Posts by category: Humor

How Canadians Vote:  A 100% Accurate & True Representation of Voting Ballots in Canada.

How Canadians Vote: A 100% Accurate & True Representation of Voting Ballots in Canada.

This is a 100% accurate and true representation of voting ballots in Canada.

Sorry.

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Why Are My Kids Fighting NOW?

Why Are My Kids Fighting NOW?

Sometimes the things that my boys end up fighting about are astounding.

“He told me to put in PANTS!”

“He’s not SAVORING his cookie!”

“He keeps singing ALONG with me!”

“He said I’m NOT a NINJA!”

“He ALWAYS gets to hold the Costco receipt!”

“But I wanted to finish lunch FIRST!”

And of course

“HE HIT ME BACK!”

What crazy things do your kids fight about most?

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Conversations with Little People: Prayers

Conversations with Little People: Prayers

Bedtime prayers are something we do every night around here, and it was certainly pretty special when the boys both started saying them on their own. We encourage them to not just say something by rote, but to actually think about what they are thankful for, or what they want to talk to Jesus about.

Of course, sometimes this backfires…

Coltrane: “Dear Jesus, t’ank you for dwagons, and tha’ we can have a dwagon in our house, and dwagons, dwagons, dwagons rrrrrrrrrooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr! Jesus’ name, aye… dwagon! I mean amen. Dwagon.”
Tucker: “Dear Jesus, please please pleeeeease don’t let Coltrane have any dragons. Amen.”
Coltrane: “HEY!”
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Circle Time: A Story About Parents as Partners

Circle Time: A Story About Parents as Partners

I shared this earlier, in a private group online, but the feeling was that it’s too good to not share with everyone. So, here it is (slightly edited). Of course moms totally deserve a day to be celebrated, but it is nice to see that most of these kids clearly have such active and involved dads. It’s really encouraging that they are growing up in a world where they see mom and dad as equally valuable parenting partners. Also, it was pretty cute, and hilarious sitting there watching the teacher’s face.

I was parent-helper this morning at preschool, and with Mother’s Day coming up their “Circle Time” was, of course, themed all about moms, mommies, and mamas. Teacher Annie (not her real name) read a few books about moms, they discussed the upcoming “Muffins with Moms” event, and then the kids were asked to share some of their favorite things that their moms do for them. The idea was to get them thinking about what sort of things they might want to write in the Mother’s Day cards they will make (shhh, it’s a surprise!).

When not a lot of hands shot up, Annie offered a few nice suggestions to get them thinking. Things like: “Who brings you to school? Who makes your lunch? Who reads with you? Who gives you lots of great big hugs?”

“My mom does…” said one kid. “And so does my dad!”

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How the DVD release of Frozen has forever changed Family Movie Night

How the DVD release of Frozen has forever changed Family Movie Night

I don’t know what it is about Frozen that has made it such a huge hit — I mean, other than the obvious all-around excellence that makes it massively appealing to children and adults — but clearly Disney is not oblivious to it. The release of Frozen on DVD yesterday felt like it happened really fast (strike while the fire is hot, I guess), but man, I have never in my life heard from more parents who were happy to go pick up a movie on the week it was released.

Get comfy, moms and dads and aunts and uncles and grandparents the world over, because you’re going to be seeing this one a lot.

 

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A Parent’s Prayer

A Parent’s Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the poops I have to change…
(like, right now, in the middle of the parking lot)
The courage to risk a major blow-out in those I cannot change until I get home…
And the wisdom to know the difference.

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The Bloggers of New Orleans (A song about #Dad2Summit)

The Bloggers of New Orleans (A song about #Dad2Summit)

The Bloggers of New Orleans

(Sung to the tune of The Battle of New Orleans, by Johnny Horton)

In 2014 we take a little trip
Away from normal life at home together we will slip
Some have little babies and some have surly teens
Yeah we’re meeting daddy bloggers in the town of New Orleans.

[Chorus:]
We dads are few but our blogging keeps a’comin’
There weren’t quite so many, not so long ago
We tweet once more, on our phones we are a’ thumbin’
“To the #Dad2Summit I am gearin’ up to go!”

We’ll look ’round the room and we’ll see the bloggers come
And there must be a hundred of ’em chantin’ “Dad ain’t dumb!”
They’ll talk ’bout daddin’ and they talk ’bout brands
They’ll do a little schmoozing and they shake a lot of hands

[Chorus]

Oh Doug French hints that he has a big surprise
I hope that he means complimentary WiFi
We’ll meet with folks who have stuff they want to sell
But if they do by dissing dads then we’ll really gave ’em … well…

[Chorus]

Yeah, we’ll listen to the speakers and we’ll listen to the panels
We’ll ask a lot of questions and we’ll learn a lot, you know
We’ll tweet so fast that the hashtags will be trendin’
At the #Dad2Summit where I’m gearin’ up to go

We’ll get fresh shaven by the friendly folks from Dove
Then share about the kids at home we’re missin’ and we love
We’ll all file out for some rounds of karaoke
And sing together songs until our daddy throats are croaky

[Chorus]

Yeah, we’ll listen to the speakers and we’ll listen to the panels
We’ll ask a lot of questions and we’ll learn a lot, you know
We’ll tweet so fast that the hashtags will be trendin’
At the #Dad2Summit where I’m gearin’ up to go

NOLA, here I come!

This will be my second year at the Dad 2.0 Summit, and I am beyond stoked. Also, terrified, as I am actually speaking this year, on a panel discussion about marketing to and about modern dads. If you’re interested in following along, keep up with the goings-on by following me on Twitter and watching for the hashtag #Dad2Summit.

For more about the Dad 2.0 Summit, go here.

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Conversations with Little People: Ring Finger

Conversations with Little People: Ring Finger

The worst part is I’m not sure if it was totally innocent choice of finger, or if he actually meant to give me the finger.

Not that he knows what it means, but I think he may have picked up that it means something that makes Mama and Dada look at one another wide-eyed and then talk in code…

Tucker: Dada! Dada! I’m Green Lantern!
Me: But where is your power ring? You can’t be a Green Lantern without a power ring!
Tucker [giving “the finger”, pixelated]: Here’s my power ring.
Me: Touché.
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Conversations with Little People: Manners

Conversations with Little People: Manners

Tucker: “Here you go, Coltrane, you can have half of my cookie!”
Dada: “Wow, that was really nice of you to share like that. I’m so proud of you, Tucker.

Dada: “Now, Coltrane, what do you say when someone shares with you?”
Coltrane: “T’ank ‘ou.”
Tucker: “My pleasure.”

Coltrane: “No, my pleasure.”
Tucker: “MY pleasure!”
Coltrane: “NO! MY PLEASURE!”
Tucker: “MINE!”
Coltrane: “NOOO! MINE!”
Tucker: “NOOO! IT’S MINE!”
Coltrane: “NO! MY! PLEA! SURE!
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You Screwed Up as a Parent: 10 Things You Should Regret

You Screwed Up as a Parent: 10 Things You Should Regret

We all make mistakes as parents. It’s just part of the deal. But what most new parents don’t realize is that the most far reaching, life-altering mistakes you make are not things like putting a diaper on wrong, poorly baby-proofing your house, or choosing a sippy cup that leaks. No, the biggest mistakes are always the most well-intentioned.

Here are a few regrets that you should have, that should keep you up at night with worry about how you broke your child.

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Conversations with Little People: Commercials

Conversations with Little People: Commercials

Poor kid. Now I want to take him to Chuck E. Cheese just to make up for the Geico Gecko not being real…

“Look, Dada! I heard that restaurant is really fun! There is pizza… and games to play…”
“Yeah? Where did you hear that?”
“It was in a commercial!”
“Oh. Listen, Tucker, here’s the thing about commercials… they–”
“I already know commercials aren’t real, Dada. Geckos don’t talk and drive cars either.”
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by in / Humor
7 Alternative Bens who could play Batman

7 Alternative Bens who could play Batman

Are you one of the thousands of Batman fans disappointed about the announcement that Ben Affleck is going to play the Caped Crusader in the Man of Steel sequel, Batman Vs. Superman ? Me too! In the midst of all of the Miley Cyrus Twerkgate hullabulloo, we seem to have lost focus on this stunning bit of news. But I haven’t!

Why Ben Affleck, when there are so many Bens, any one of which would have been a better — or at least more interesting — choice?

Like these fine Bens, for instance…

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Why Parents Gain Weight

Why Parents Gain Weight

Parenting is stressful. Parenting is full of joys. It takes you to the deepest lows of self-doubt and frustration, as you carry the burden of trying to mold a new human into a functional member of society. It takes you to the highest of highs from the smallest things, like a child who goes a day without an accident, or the feeling of a job-well done when you see your child show kindness to another.

Remarkably, both extremes make me want to eat my feelings, as reward or as comfort. I’m beginning to believe that this is why I am still fat.

How about you?

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Conversations with Little People: Savoring

Conversations with Little People: Savoring

It’s amazing how selectively a preschooler will remember something you’ve tried to teach him when it comes to enforcing rules on his younger sibling. 🙂

“Dada! Dada! Come quick! Coltrane is making a BAD CHOICE!”
“Oh, man, what’s he doing NOW?”
“He’s not SAVORING his cookie!”
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Parenting Truth: It USED to be CUTE…

Parenting Truth: It USED to be CUTE…

It used to be cute when he would fall asleep in the car, on the drive home for lunch, after a fun morning out.

Now it means he won’t nap this afternoon.

Is this true for anyone else, or is it just me?

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Conversations with Little People: Potty Mouth

Conversations with Little People: Potty Mouth

Happy that Coltrane is talking enough now that he’s starting to contribute to these things. Even if I do have to wash his mouth out with soap now.

“Assholes! Assholes!”
“Oh no. No no no no. Where did he learn that!? He’s only two!”
“Assholes! Assholes!”
“Anna is going to KILL ME.”
“Assholes! Assholes!”
“What do I do? WHAT DO I–”
“We all fall down!” *THUMP!*
“Oh. Well, carry on then.”
“Hehehe. Okay Dada.”
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Conversations with Little People: Toddler Tech Support

Conversations with Little People: Toddler Tech Support

How do you know you’re a modern day parent? When your 4-year-old already knows these things.

“Dada, I think the internet is down.”
“How do you know that?”
“I can’t get Netflix to work.”
“Well… okay. I’ll go up to the office and take a look to see what’s wrong.”
“Just unplug it, wait a minute, and then plug it in again!”
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Conversations with Little People: The Dream

Conversations with Little People: The Dream

My son, the dreamer.

“Dada, I had a really great dream last night.”
“Oh? What was it about?”
“I was on a playdate with Jesus. We went to my cousins’ house, and watched their turtle. Then it was time for lunch, and we had cheesy quesadillas! Only, there was only one quesadilla for everyone, so Jesus used his powers to make one hundred quesadillas!”
“Wow, Tuck, that’s a really great dream.”
“I know, that’s what I told you already.”
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The Ugly (but delicious) Truth About Pi Day

The Ugly (but delicious) Truth About Pi Day

It’s March 14th again, and unless you live somewhere with no internet you probably know that geeks everywhere are celebrating Pi Day, when the date (3/14) matches up with the mathematical constant known as “pi” (or π) that is the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, and is approximately equal to 3.14 when rounded off neatly.

Here’s the thing, though. It’s not people that love math and actually understand the significance of “pi” who really celebrate — though they certainly do! — it’s all people who want an excuse to eat more pie.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Enjoy your pie!

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Conversations with Little People: Tea Party

Conversations with Little People: Tea Party

Me: How’s your tea, Tucker? I put lots of honey in it, just like you asked.
Tucker: MMMMMMM! It’s SO GOOD, Dada! It tastes like BEE VOMIT!

This is what I get for teaching my son where his food comes from.

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